


doc, there's a hole where something was

by imkindofmiserabletoo



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Hatred, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, fluff (chapter two probably???), hell of a lot of blushing jesus christ please stop me, ooc i think but u kno what i tried, some curse words bc connor, venting, wtf let them be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-20 04:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11328291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imkindofmiserabletoo/pseuds/imkindofmiserabletoo
Summary: so venting to a stranger in a bathroom stall isn't all that weird





	1. to understand

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably gonna suck but whtever im not a writer. also i didnt proof read this very well so sorry for making you all suffer. enjoy :o 
> 
> ((title is from disloyal order of water buffaloes by fall out boy bc im greasy and emo))

Evan Hansen was sitting in a bathroom stall on a pass that had more than likely expired by now. Usually, when this anxiety hit like it always did, hard, he’d go to the nurse’s office but he’d gone so many times this week already. Evan winced as recent recollections of the office staff looking at him with eyes full of pity replayed countless amounts of times in his head. He couldn’t blame them of course, for the most part, they wanted him to get better, but from what they could see it was just getting worse. Evan felt pathetic. He was walking in like some wounded animal every other day hoping that he could be fixed. Before Evan could sink further into a hole of self-deprecation, the door to the bathroom burst open and Evan jumped.

“Stupid fucking asshole!” the voice yelled turning on the faucet. The person was mumbling something under their breath, still heated about whatever had taken place probably minutes before.

Evan really didn’t know what he was going to do at that moment. He didn't know if he could keep up pretending to not be there for the next forty-five minutes. Should he just get up and leave? Maybe they would leave soon? His thoughts were cut off again as the stall next to him slammed open and shut again. The person was definitely not leaving anytime in the very near future.

Before Evan could realize what he was doing he let out a sigh. He quickly covered his mouth but the stranger could already tell Evan was there by the sudden shift in the stall.

The stranger spoke up, more gently this time, “Shit sorry for um barging in the that. I can go if you want-”

“N-no! Stay.” Evan cut them off with his own trembling voice.

“St-Stay?” The voice asked as if their ears were deceiving them or something.

“Yeah, um, you seem pretty heated… you probably need a second to c-cool off a bit right?”

It was silent for a second but soon Evan heard a hum. He could feel the stranger’s small smile behind it. “Thanks.”

“N-no problem.”

After a few minutes, Evan found the courage to speak up again. “So what happened? I-I mean if you want to talk about it-” damn it, Evan was being insensitive wasn’t he? “I-I understand if you don’t what to if it’s like personal or something. God, I’m sorry for intruding onto your business or-”

“Woah dude relax,” the voice came and let a laugh out, “The only time you can speak is when you’re going a million miles a minute.”

Evan flushed, “S-sorry.”

“Naw, it’s cool. It’s kinda cute.” they laughed again.

Evan was glad there was a wall separating them because the red tint probably covered the whole of his face by then.

“It wasn’t really anything.” the stranger answered Evan’s earlier question. “But god, Mr. Hart was being a complete douche in class like always and I called him out on it. He got pissed, I got pissed.” the person sighed. “He sent me out.”

Evan nodded as if the stranger could see. “Yeah. Mr. Hart’s kind of a dick.”

“Glad someone agrees.” the voice stopped for a second. “Why are you here?”

Evan froze up. “I-I had an-” was he really going to out his issues to a person he didn’t even know? “anxiety attack.”

Apparently, the answer was yes.

“Oh.” it was silent for a second. “That sucks.”

“Yeah.” Evan agreed.

Evan sensed a lull in the conversation and dreaded it. Thank god it didn’t come though.

“Do you...wanna talk about it?” the stranger asked.

Evan thought a moment. “I don't know, I mean I was probably overreacting or-or something it was just a presentation. I-I only had to read one slide.” Evan rested his head on his legs. “I’m really pathetic.”

“No you’re not.” the voice insisted. “You got out of that class because you knew you couldn’t handle it. You did the best for you. That’s something to take pride in.”

Evan smiled, “Th-thanks. Same goes for you though too right?”

“Hm. I guess,” they concluded. “we’re not so different then, huh?”

“Huh.”

“So,” Evan could hear the stranger moving in the stall, probably to sit more comfortably. "have you always dealt with uh...anxiety?”

Before Evan could open his mouth to answer the stranger cut him off, “I mean you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.”

Evan smiled at the sincerity in the voice. “It’s alright.” Evan reassured, “I’ve already told you th-this much I guess.”

“Oh okay cool.” the stranger spoke, audibly relieved.

Evan leaned back on the seat and onto the tile wall. “I guess it’s always been apart of me y-y’know?” Evan let out a small laugh. “Honestly I-I don’t know if it's gotten better or worse over the years.”

The stranger hummed. “Do you have any friends?”

Evan was taken aback by the question. “Do-do I have any friends? Um…” Evan thought of Jared but who was he kidding? He’d seen actual ‘friends’ wanting to hang out without any personal gain. “N-no. I don’t.”

“Then we really aren’t so different.”

Evan heard the bitterness behind the epiphany and his heart sank. He empathized with the stranger. Maybe not in the exact same way but still.

“I-I know how it feels. Being alone.”

“Do you?” the stranger asked.

“I mean I haven’t really ever felt not alone. Th-there isn’t much of a sense of ‘togetherness’ in my life. N-not constantly at least.” Evan got out of his own head before he could continue rambling. “I just know it s-sucks.”

“You aren’t wrong.”

They were quiet for a moment.

“What-what about you? You must be dealing with things too.”

The stranger moved again. “Just some anger stuff. Being sad a lot. Only thing I know is I’m messed up.” Evan heard the squeak of shoes in the stall next to him. “I just wanna leave here, I’ve made myself enough of a reputation. You probably wouldn’t be talking to me if this wall wasn’t between us.”

Evan shrugged, “That m-might be true but whoever you are it doesn’t matter. At least I understand you more this way.”

“You understand the meaning of _leaving_?”

Evan gripped his cast. “More than most.”

The stranger was going to speak again but stopped to find the words.

“I like you. You try. You know.”

Evan smiled softly. “Everyone needs someone to u-understand.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

“N-no problem.”

“Do you want to hang out after school?”

Evan hesitated but the last thirty minutes had been full of things he wouldn't normally do. “Sure.”

They heard a bell sound, signaling they had five minutes to get to their next class. They both got up and stretched. Evan went over to unlock the stall preparing to be faced with whoever he spilled his heart out to.

 

With two clicks and two simultaneous door squeaks, Evan Hansen was face to face with Connor Murphy.

 

“Oh.” they both said in unison, making them both start to laugh.

“It’s Evan, right?” Connor said with a smile that Evan had never seen before.

“Y-yeah.” Evan smiled back. “You’re Connor, right?”

“Yeah, sorry if you’re disappointed.” Connor's smile weakened.

“N-no! Of course not.” Evan assured. “I should be the one saying that.”

Connor looked at him with disbelief. “Are you kidding? I’m glad you weren’t anyone else.”

Evan blushed, “S-same to you.”

“Hey-I have a free period so I can walk you to your class if you want?” Connor offered.

“Sure!” Evan caught himself, “I-I mean if-if you want to.”

With that, Connor lead Evan to the door and held it open for him.

“Such a gentleman.” Evan laughed and Connor gave a wink. Evan almost fainted.

As they walked down the halls they got a few stares but they were too caught up in their own world talking to catch on.

“Do you still want to hang out?” Connor asked as they neared Evan’s French class.

“Of course!” Evan had no idea how to play it cool. At least Connor found it endearing. “Where should I meet you?”

“The parking lot I guess. My car’s the one at the very end.”

“G-got it I’ll meet you there.” Evan nodded.

“See you, Hansen,” Connor said smiling.

“S-see you,” Evan replied. As soon as Connor turned away he was beaming.

Evan stood there smiling like an idiot for a few more seconds before he was interrupted by a familiar someone.

“Evan, what the fuck was that?” Jared asked in line next to him, wide eyed.

Evan rolled his eyes and walked into the class. “Shut up, Jared.”

Jared shrugged as he followed him in. “That’s fair.”


	2. and to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow second chapter is done good job me,, enjoy

Evan eyed the clock like it had done him wrong. He checked up on it constantly seeing how much time he had left in this class.  
  
"Dude, chill. The clock's not going anywhere." Jared whisper spoke.  
  
"I-I know."  
  
"You trying to meet your new boyfriend ASAP then?" Jared teased.  
  
"N-no! Jared! We aren't even-"  
  
"What's your type honestly? At this rate, you're gonna end up dating a murderer." Jared smiled to himself, "You probably already are though."  
  
"Don't talk about him like that! It's rude!" Evan defended.  
  
"See! He must be your boyfriend if you're getting all defensive about it!"  
  
The teacher cleared her throat at the front of the room," Mr. Kleinman since you love speaking aloud, why don't you answer to number three for the class."  
  
"B- Wait that wasn't even-" Jared tried but was stopped by her sharp stare.  
  
"Je voudrais death." he cursed under his breath as he stood up to answer.  
  
Evan smiled.  
  
  
                                                                                                              ---  
  
The bell rung and Evan dashed out of that room before Jared had any time to harass him more and before the hallways were too crowded.  
  
As he made his way out he turned toward the parking lot. He walked down all of the stalls until he saw Connor leaning against his car messing with his phone. Before Connor could spot him, Evan hid behind one of the divots in the school building near a window to compose himself.  
  
'Okay. Okay. Do not blow this Evan. This is your one shot at making an actual friend.' Evan wiped his hands on his pants and started again toward the car.  
  
As Evan neared, Connor looked up and smiled. "You made it."  
  
"Wouldn't miss it for anything." Evan returned.  
  
"Hop in."  
  
  
They got in and Connor scrolled through his music (a mix of My Chemical Romance and boy bands from the 90's).  
  
Connor just put on the radio.  
  
They turned onto the main road and drove a little ways before Connor spoke.  
  
“So… what do you wanna do?”  
  
“W-whatever you wanna do is fine. I-I don’t really mind.” Evan didn’t want to disappoint Connor with whatever he suggested.  
  
Connor thought a bit. “Do you parents care how long you stay out?”  
  
Evan shrugged, “It’s only my mom and she works until like midnight today, I think.”  
  
“Oh. You don’t mind staying out late?” Connor asked.  
  
“As long as I’m not alone I g-guess,” Evan muttered kind of quietly.  
  
“Well, that certainly won’t be the case.” Connor assured. “Uh, what do you like? So I can get some ideas or something.”  
  
“Trees.” Evan said aloud without even thinking about it.  
  
Connor grinned. “Trees?”  
  
“Y-yeah they’re cool.” Evan said, now not too sure of himself.  
  
Connor glanced out of the window at the small trees that lined the road. “I’m gonna have to agree, Ev. They are pretty cool.”  
  
‘He called me Ev. He called me Ev. He caLLED ME EV HE CALLED ME EV-’ his mind was screaming as his face darkened in tint.  
  
“So trees-” Connor thought aloud, breaking Evan out of his thoughts. “What can we do with- I GOT IT.”  
  
“W-where are we going?” Evan asked grinning at Connor’s newfound enthusiasm.  
“You’ll see, Hansen.”  
  
                                                                                                            ---  
  
Thirty minutes later they pulled into a makeshift parking lot next to a gated off orchard. They piled out the car and Evan made his way to the signs on the orchard’s gate.  
  
“C-Connor all of these things say no trespassi- CONNOR!”  
  
At that point, Connor had climbed to almost the top of the gate. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Is-Isn’t this illegal?”  
  
Connor rolled his eyes,”Only if they catch us.” he dropped down onto the other side and opened the door for Evan to come in without having to climb.  
  
They walked through the brush and found an absolute heaven for Evan behind it. Evan’s eyes skimmed over the tops of fruit trees and ventured farther toward the back lined with huge oaks.  
  
“This… this is amazing.” Evan breathed taking in everything.  
  
“I’m glad you like it.” Connor looked at Evan, still gazing. “Are we gonna keep staring or check it out?”  
  
Evan snapped out of his tree induced trance. “O-oh! Yeah, let’s go see it.”  
  
They spent hours exploring that place. Not a second was dull. While Evan spouted out numerous amounts of tree facts Connor probably couldn’t even start to remember, Connor just stared at him lovingly. He was so passionate about something people wouldn’t even think twice about. Connor liked that. Evan cared about all of the small things.  
  
Evan though was on cloud nine. This place was a dream and for once he was glad he walked out of class that day. He was in a wonderful place with someone who actually cared to listen. He was with someone who wanted to and could understand; it was all he could ever ask for.  
  
As they trudged through further, the sun started to get lower and lower. Though they didn’t care all that much.  
  
Soon enough, they happened upon a massive oak. Evan was in awe.  
  
“You wanna climb it treeboy?”  
  
Evan remembered what happened the last time he climbed something as high. “Not particularly.”  
  
Connor frowned. “Let’s settle for something smaller then.”  
  
They found themselves in a smaller but sturdy tree. It was a fifteen-foot drop so it wasn't anything too menacing. When they found the strongest branch they sat and watched the sun drift into the trees.  
  
For one moment Evan turned his head to look at the other.  
  
This moment was worth more than anything.  
  
Connor was like nothing Evan had seen before in his light. His eyes full, his out of place brown hair turned gold, and his quiet smile that made Evan’s heart skip a beat.  
  
If Evan thought the trees were beautiful then right then the trees meant nothing. The sun had faded and gone away but whatever Evan felt about Connor in its light didn’t.  
  
There they stayed for god knows how long. If they were uncomfortable it didn’t matter because they were together and happy at least. Connor pointed out the same five constellations probably seven times but Evan thought it was funny so he didn’t bother to stop him. They shared stories of embarrassing moments and actual happy memories. Their backstories, hopes, fears, all of it said into the air for the other to catch and hold onto.  
  
“What do you think of yourself, Evan?” Connor whispered suddenly.  
  
Connor Murphy sure was filled with questions that could make you question your existence.  
  
“My-myself? I don’t know I guess I’m kind of uh,” he started picking at his shoes. “Kind of pathetic a-and a burden a lot of the time. I don’t feel very good about myself I guess.” he let out a nervous laugh.  
  
“Don’t- don’t beat yourself up like that. You aren’t any of that. I know pathetic and you- you’re far from a burden. To me at least.”  
  
“I-” Evan didn’t know what to say. “T-Thank you.”  
  
“It’s only the truth, Evan.”  
  
“Well, what do you think about you?” Evan mirrored Connor’s question.  
  
“I’m a mess, Ev. I don’t wanna start.”  
  
Evan looked saddened at those words. “If it means anything,” he hesitantly put a hand on Connor’s shoulder, “you the best mess that’s happened to me lately.”  
  
Connor looked surprised but smiled anyway, “I feel like less of a mess when I'm here.”  
  
“The orchard?”  
  
“No,” he looked Evan straight in the eyes, “with you.”  
  
“O-oh.” They were flushed messes, the both of them.  
  
“What time is it?” Evan asked trying to break out of the awkwardness they built themselves under.  
  
“It's uh,” Connor pulled his phone out. “Woah, nine thirty.”  
  
“We've been here a while then.”  
  
“Yeah,” Connor agreed, “do you wanna get out of here?”  
  
They both carefully climbed out of their hideaway and Connor lead Evan out toward the gate. Eventually, they found it and piled into Connor’s car.  
  
“I don't know if you wanna go home right now, but if you want we can go get ice cream,” Connor sputtered out.  
  
“Isn't it late?”  
  
“Yeah, it's a Friday though so I'm sure they're open until like eleven.” Connor was desperate to spend as much time as possible with Evan.  
  
“S-sure.”  
  
Score.  
  
                                                                                                                ---  
  
They pulled into the parking lot and hopped out. Walking in, Evan froze up. He realized he had to order himself. Connor would think he was a total coward if he couldn't muster up the strength to simply say what he wanted.  
  
“Hey, you okay?” He heard someone say next to him. It was Connor and he looked concerned.  
  
“I'm-I'm fine, it's just uh-”  
  
Connor looked on at him.  
  
“I can't um-” get it together, Hansen, “Can't order myself.”  
  
Connor didn't look surprised or angry, which shocked Evan. “That's okay, just tell me what you want.”  
  
He truly was someone who understood.  
  
                                                                                                                ---  
  
About twenty minutes and a small argument about who would pay (Connor won) later, they were back on the road with ice cream in hand. It was less awkward now that they had spent the day just talking and talking. They sang along to some throwback station and asked meaningless questions, then almost got lost trying to find Evan’s house.  
  
Eventually the day they'd spent together had come to an end and they pulled up in Evan’s driveway. Connor unlocked the doors and Evan got out.  
  
“Wait! Let me walk you to your door!” Connor panicked before Evan could close the passenger side.  
  
Evan waited while Connor hurriedly opened his own door to hand Evan his bag and walk.  
  
Once they'd got to Evan’s front door, Evan turned and smiled.  
  
“Thank you for today, Connor.”  
  
“No problem! I'm glad you came along on this-?”  
  
“Date?” Evan tried but immediately regretted.  
  
“Yeah, date.” Connor said before Evan could start apologizing profusely. Connor turned before getting stopped again.  
  
“Wait! Connor-”  
  
Connor turned to be met with a warmness on his face. Evan had planted a kiss on his cheek.  
  
Connor tried his best to contain himself but couldn't, his face fired up and he smiled a way he hadn't in years.  
  
“Um hold on-” Connor dug deep into his pocket and pulled out a pen. Gently he took Evan’s cast and wrote something on it. Before Evan had a chance to look, Connor shoved the pen back in his pocket and returned the same kiss to Evan.  
  
“Goodnight, Evan.” Connor said as he pulled away and walked back to his car.  
  
“N-night.”  
  
Evan watched Connor drive off and he shut the door. As soon as he did he heard someone behind him.  
  
“Well, well, well.” Evan spun only to see Heidi Hansen in her work clothes, smiling.  
  
“M-mom!” Evan was mortified.  
  
“Care to tell me who that was?”  
  
Evan covered his face. “N-no one.”  
  
“Oh come on, Evan. Here, I ordered us pizza, we can talk all about it and-” Heidi pointed to his cast. Evan looked down at it expecting the worst. What he saw was ‘Connor’ and a phone number scrawled down below it.  
  
Evan touched it and smiled.  
  
There was always a missing part of Evan Hansen. Now at least, there was a chance at being whole for once.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading u beautiful people have a good day/night (also sorry for any typos)


End file.
